United Colors of Benatar

The longer you work in a karaoke bar, the easier it gets to guess exactly which song a specific person will want to sing. Sometimes you know what they are going to sing before they know. A lot of times people will ask me for suggestions and I pride myself on being able to pick the perfect song for just about anyone. Most of my choices are met with enthusiasm. However, sometimes an attention-starved person will hover over you as you work, begging to hear an audio version of the 20,000-song karaoke book that is RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR FACE.

Here are just a few things that I’ve learned:

If it’s a young white man in his 20’s, you might suggest some Bon Jovi or “Sweet Caroline.” (Thanks a lot, “Beautiful Girls”).

If it’s a white guy in his mid-sixties who is wearing a suit and lots of gold rings, go with “My Way” by Frank Sinatra or “Beyond the Sea” by Dean Martin.

If you’re looking at a cute, twenty-something girl who’s dressed for Friday night on Monday and who’s thinking way too long about what she wants to sing, there are a couple of possibilities. If this girl asks you what she should sing several times and rejects an obvious initial suggestion like the Divinyls’ “I Touch Myself,” you have a more serious problem - more so if she’s got friends.

But all is not lost: if you want to get her and her two back-up singer friends out of your face go straight to Benatar. It’s a not-so-secret weapon, probably because it works just about every time. All you have to say is, “How bout some Pat Benatar?” The girl’s face will light up like a Christmas Tree, she will have chosen her song, and she will quickly vanish to drink more sugary shooters at the bar.

However, in extreme circumstances, she may be a fickle one who probably didn’t get much attention as a little girl, and she will continue to waste your time by asking for more: specifically Pat Benatar’s discography.

At this point, you might want to tell her to go fuck herself, but if you are the Eternally Nice Karaoke Host that I am, you may want to ask her a few questions about what’s going on in her life currently. Is she going through a break-up? (Heartbreaker) Is she having a realization about how awesome her relationship is? (We Belong) Is she mad at a guy she’s been sleeping with who turned out to be sleeping with everyone else and she wants to sing about how she’s not hurt because she’s better at sleeping with everyone else than he is? (Hit Me With Your Best Shot). Has she been in a relationship for a good amount of time and it’s hit that point where it’s a lot of work? (Love is a Battlefield). Or is she feeling a little political? (Invincible).

Hopefully, she will pick one of these choices, but chances are, she’ll just scrunch up her face, shake her head and sign up to sing “I love Rock ‘n Roll” by Joan Jett.